Some people want a lot from us. Also more than we want to give.
Not all of them are Toxic. Some are just Talk-sick.
Being able to differ between the two is essential.
When people talk a lot and want to unload on you, it often feels overwhelming. Especially if the person forgets to ask "So how are you doing?" and sticks around long enough to hear the answer. Or interrups to tell something (more) about themselves.
This is stressful for a lot of people and as a Cognitive Psychoterapist I hear about this problem on a daily basis in the clinic.
It can be difficult to differ between whether a person is Toxic or just Talk-sick, because a lot of us get overwhelmed by both and both can feel invading.
Your intuition might be "infiltrated" trying to figure it out, and sometimes we let it go too far according to what is healthy for us, trying to please others, or not cause disharmony.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE AROUND VERY TALK-SICK PEOPLE?
When people are repeatedly used as sounding boards for others' problems without a consistent reciprocal concern, it can leave them feeling emotionally drained and undervalued.
This one-sided dynamic may foster resentment and emotional exhaustion over time. It can also erode their self-esteem as they sense their needs are consistently ignored. And all this can cause stress symptoms;
Yesterday I talked to a male klient about this and his words were: "I am a friend to many people". The feeling inside is very different from when you can say "I am friends with many people" and loneliness is often dominant.
Ultimately, it's important to establish boundaries and communicate our own needs in such relationships to maintain our emotional well-being.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE AROUND TOXIC PEOPLE?
Our nervous systems have a remarkable capacity to influence each other;
When one person is stressed or overwhelmingly negative, it often contagiously impact those in their proximity.
This phenomenon is known as emotional contagion, where our mirror neurons pick up on the emotions of others, triggering similar feelings within ourselves.
Where are the people you surround yourself with on the scale? What does that do to you? (Illustration from my stress book)
Consequently, it's crucial to foster a positive and supportive environment, as our emotional states can ripple through our social circles, affecting the well-being of those we interact with.
Being mindful of our own emotional presence can help create a healthier, more harmonious collective atmosphere.
HOW DO I KNOW IF A PERSON IS TOXIC?
Distinguishing between people who talk a lot but are not toxic and genuinely toxic people involves paying attention to their behavior, communication patterns, and their impact on you and others.
Here are some key differences between Talk-sick and Toxic:
1. Intent and Motive
Talk-sick: They may be enthusiastic or extroverted, and their intent is usually to connect, share, or engage in conversation.
Toxic: They often have negative intentions, seeking to manipulate, control, or demean others.
2. Content of Conversation
Talk-sick: They may share personal experiences, stories, or ideas, often with a focus on building rapport or discussing common interests.
Toxic: Their conversations often involve criticism, blame, gossip, or constant complaining, aimed at bringing others down.
3. Listening Skills
Talk-sick: They may be chatty but also show an interest in others' perspectives, actively listening and engaging in two-way communication.
Toxic: They tend to dominate conversations, rarely listening, and may dismiss or invalidate others' opinions.
4. Empathy and Support
Talk-sick: They offer empathy and support to those in need and genuinely care about the well-being of others.
Toxic: They lack empathy, often exploiting others' vulnerabilities or showing indifference to their struggles.
5. Impact on Your Well-being
Talk-sick: Their talkativeness may be energizing or enjoyable, and you generally feel positive after interacting with them.
Toxic: Interactions with them can be draining, leaving you feeling stressed, anxious, or upset.
6. Consistency in Behavior
Talk-sick: Their behavior is consistent and aligns with their words, creating a sense of reliability.
Toxic: They may exhibit unpredictable and erratic behavior, causing confusion and instability in relationships.
It's essential to trust your intuition and instincts and observe how you feel during and after interactions with a person.
If you find that someone's behavior consistently negatively affects your well-being or the well-being of those around you, it may be a sign of toxicity.
In contrast, people who talk a lot but are not toxic often contribute positively to relationships and social dynamics. It can still be draining, though.
WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE TOXIC IS AROUND YOU?
Unfortunately it’s not all relations that we can get away from. Some of them are in our families. Or at work in the form of colleagues and team members.
In that case it can help you to distinguish whether it's a Toxic or just a Talk-sick person; That definition alone will help release some goodwill towards that person.
SOME SUGGESTIONS BEFORE ENGAGING WITH A TOXIC:
- Put on a transparent raincoat. An imaginary one, that is. Then none of the throw-up gets into your stomach. Or imagine that you have the same shield that they put over Hogwarts in "Harry Potter"
- When gossip and negativity is poured over you, you refrain from commenting and don't ask questions regarding it. You then change the subject or indicate that you better get back to the task or that you have to be somewhere else. Repeat if necessary. In time you will be off the hook because the negative energy isn't fed
Written September 2nd 2023
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Curious to learn more about Communication, Psychological Safety, Stress prevention, Personal Development and Mindfulness? I help both companies and individuals and also do Business coaching and Supervision online.